Last time I shared, I didn't even know I was pregnant. I was slightly embarrassed that I had finally poured my heart out about our infertility struggles only to turn around and find out I was pregnant. I didn't want people to think that I was insincere about our struggles or to make light of a heavy subject. I seriously had no idea that just when I had given up hope on becoming a mother anytime soon, that I would get pregnant the very next month. I really felt the urgent need to share our struggles, though, in hopes that it could help someone else out there going through it. Does this even make sense to anyone? No? Just me... okay... moving on.
I will start with our last failed IUI (intra-uterine insemination) which we attempted in April of 2014. We went through the process hoping that a pregnancy would happen since this was our last chance before our insurance ran out. There was no way we could afford fertility treatments out of pocket, and Andy was about to graduate that April (meaning bye bye insurance) so we prayed like crazy that this final IUI attempt would work. Unfortunately, we went through heartbreak again as IUI didn't work for the second time, and we had no money to try again. I just felt so hopeless at this point. Andy and I figured we would have to start saving to go see a fertility specialist and pay for IVF (in vitro fertilization) which is a good $10,000-$12,000 every attempt with, again, no guarantee that I would get pregnant. Andy was offered a job right before graduation, which we learned would provide us insurance, but not until August. We were so happy to receive that blessing, especially when we learned that his insurance may cover some infertility costs. So, with the failed IUI attempt from mid April of 2014, we knew we had to wait until at least August 2014 before we could start our infertility journey with a specialist. That felt like an eternity away, but there was nothing we could do but try to be patient and keep ourselves together.
Fast forward to May 2014. We had just moved out of the mortuary (wahoo!!!) and into our new place in Provo. Andy was post graduate, and I was still going to school, just starting my last semester of the respiratory therapy program. It was the end of May 2014, and I had noticed my period was late which was not at all unusual. Well, a week passed and I still hadn't gotten my period. I resisted the temptation to take a pregnancy test, because I just couldn't handle one more negative and the feeling of overwhelming disappointment at the time. I just KNEW that there was no way I was pregnant, at least I kept telling myself that, even though in the back of my mind I had some sliver of hope that maybe I could be. I only resisted for a couple of days past that, and then I caved and took a pregnancy test.
I remember sitting there, watching the little test window, knowing that I would only see one line for the millionth time.... but then, that SECOND LINE APPEARED! You guys, my heart stopped, and I literally thought it was going to leap out of my chest. I honestly thought I had lost my mind and was hallucinating. I thought maybe I had wanted to have a baby so bad that I was actually seeing things. I grabbed the test and kept staring at it, perplexed at how in the world there were two little pink lines?? Was I really pregnant? After all this despair and sorrow, was I really actually being blessed with this little human? I could have cried, but I was in such shock and utter disbelief that I just sat there holding the test. My heart was racing, and in walked Andy. He said, "What are you doing? What is that?" I showed him the test, and he got so excited! He asked almost as confused as I was, "Does this mean you're pregnant?" I remember telling him that I wasn't sure, and that maybe I really was? Well guys, 4 tests and a couple of days later, ALL of the tests were positive. We were having a baby! What joy we felt, what relief, there were so many things that just felt right in the world and I was finally at the most peaceful place I had been in a long time.
Andy and I were very conservative in our excitement until we had our first doctor appointment at 9 weeks of pregnancy. We were both so worried that I would miscarry or that the baby wouldn't have a heart beat since it was so hard for me to get pregnant, that we waited to really believe that we were going to have a sweet baby until we saw that little heart beating on the ultrasound screen. I still remember being so nervous I wanted to throw up waiting for the doctor to find that little heart beating inside of me. I remember thinking that it took a million years to find the baby's heart beat, but really it was probably no more than 15 seconds. There it was, the most precious little flutter I have ever witnessed. My eyes met with Andy's and we both cried tears of relief and joy and peace. I was so grateful that I somehow got pregnant without any medical help. I will never forget that feeling.
I know that Adler (as we later came to find out he was a boy) is a blessing directly from my Heavenly Father. I also know that I went through what I did because it helped shape me into the person I am in a lot of ways that I can't explain. It has been one of the longest and hardest things I have endured in my life, but it has made me so grateful for every single minute I get with Adler, even the really ugly hard days. I am so grateful to be a mother, and for me it feels like the exactly right thing to be doing with my life right now. I have a joy in my life that I knew I was missing, I just never understood until now how much that filled in gap would impact me every single day. I will love him with my whole heart for my whole life.
That's my story of finding out I was pregnant with Adler. Thank you for supporting me and sending your prayers and love as I struggled with the hardship of infertility. I love you all!
xoxo,
Kylie
