We didn't choose the mortuary life, the mortuary life chose us... but not actually

Oh boy... where to start? I apologize it has been a while since my last post. I have neglected the blog for a while as my last semester of school just started and that, of course, takes priority. We have also been moving our stuff over the past three saturdays to our new home, so I have not had a lot of down time to sit and enjoy life, and organize my thoughts into a readable post! So for those of you who don't know, Andy and I have been living in a mortuary for the past year. I know, right? We get a lot of funny looks and reactions when we tell people, most of which are along the lines of, "Why on God's green earth would you actually want to live in a mortuary?!". I realize it's not for everyone, but if you can stand to be stuck home a lot, the deal is pretty sweet. Since a lot of people are curious about the situation, and wonder what it's like to live here I thought I would explain a little bit of what it has been like to have this job over the past year of our lives.

I first heard about this after hours secretary position from a friend whom I worked with at the BYU bookstore. She and her husband were actually living here at the time, and so I asked her to tell me a little bit about the job. She explained that you live in the mortuary, and you have to be home during non-business hours and major holidays to answer the phones. You get calls from all types of people with different questions such as: What time is so and so's service?, When can I deliver flowers?, we had so and so die can you take down the information and dispatch a funeral director to come pick them up?, etc. that you have to answer and take care of. This doesn't sound too bad to me at the time, but Andy and I weren't looking to move so I just kind of filed it away in the back of my mind for later, just in case.

Let me just tell you though, this job is a huge time commitment! You have to be home from 5pm-8am the next morning, Monday through Friday. Then on Saturdays you have from 8am-2pm before you have to be home for the phones, and then you are stuck home all day Sunday until 8am Monday morning. The only way you can be gone during the times you are in charge of the phones is if you have someone phone sit for you. Finding someone was always a huge worry, but I do have to thank my wonderful friends who did so kindly train to answer phones for us. We would not have survived without you! Another down side is that you cannot forward the phones to a cell phone, at least one of us always had to be here on the premises... huge pain in the bum! And oh, your family invited you to dinner or an event, well either get a phone sitter, or too bad you have to just miss out! And if it's a major holiday just forget it, you are stuck home all day long. I still remember last 4th of July, Andy worked, and I spent the evening home alone watching fireworks out of our bathroom window. In fact, I missed out on quite a bit during the past year, I even almost had to miss out on Andy's college graduation, can you believe that?

So by now you are thinking, "Why in the world did they ever apply for, or agree to do this awful job?". Well, the pot is sweetened just enough to entice you to become a serious hermit for an entire year and this is why. Rent is FREE! No utilities, and you get paid a salary every month to live here. However, you do have to commit to an entire year, which sounds easy until you actually live here. Andy and I both love to go out and adventure, we are not really homebodies, so being stuck inside all the time or always having a curfew makes you feel a bit like your are a secretary/phone slave. Funny enough, the building we live in was built in the late 1800's and our apartment is actually the old servant's quarters for the rich man who owned this old world mansion.

Well, the time came that Andy and I were looking at our financial situation, and came to the conclusion that to get through our last year of school without acquiring huge amounts of student loan debt, we needed to make some changes in rent and other expenditures. Now, I don't know how many of you have ever tried to find a two bedroom apartment that allows pets for under $500 in Provo, Utah, but the comparison of such an impossible task would be like finding Bigfoot and then befriending him and talking about the philosophical meaning of life. My point is, it is seriously impossible! We had no idea what we were going to do, and then ding! A little light bulb went off, and I remembered that the mortuary job would possibly be available. Andy and I talked very seriously about the situation, and figured out schedules to make sure it would work. We agreed that this was a job we needed, and so we went for it. We trained to phone sit, and got some experience that way. Then we interviewed, because the job wasn't guaranteed to us, and there were actually several couples who wanted the job. Much to our relief, we got the job, and we were very excited. This situation has truly been a huge blessing for us, as well as a trial.

So last June came, and we moved in. I thought the year would fly by, and in some ways it has, but as I sit here and type this, it also feels like it has been a very long year. It has been difficult to be home all the time, miss important events, and re-arrange schedules a million times to make this job and school and our other jobs work all together. We now have 5 nights left until I get my fur baby back, and we are officially done living here. That has been another hard element to this situation, we were not allowed to have our little dog here, so Andy's parents babysat him for the year. We get him back soon, and I can taste the freedom! I really believe this may be one of the slowest 5-day periods of time in my life!

I suppose you are wondering if it was creepy living here, or wonder if we were haunted. No it wasn't really creepy, our apartment is clear on the top floor (Andy and I commonly refer to it as the prison tower, or purgatory) and it has a separate entrance. Also, we don't deal with the services or bodies at all, so it was never a bother in that regard. I have heard chatter that I can't quite make out, and this has happened with no one around. The only other experience was one that Andy had. He was coming home from work around 1am one night, and as he was climbing the stairs to our apartment he heard plain as day, "This is not what I expected." It was so clear that he stopped and turned around to see who was following him, but no one was there. So he went into the main office to see if anyone was there late for some reason, but it was empty. I suppose it would be fitting for a person who has passed on to be surprised at what it was like on the other side, but very odd that Andy was able to hear their opinion of it. We have never felt a negative presence, so I have never been bothered in that regard either. So no it wasn't creepy, and no we weren't haunted, but I do believe that some spirits hang around longer than others and that the veil is sometimes very thin. What I mean is that the after life is, at times, not too far from where we are.

This will defiantly be a story to tell our children someday. We have sacrificed a lot to live here, but we have been very blessed as well. It is funny how our Father in Heaven knows what we want and what we need, and if we ask and seek for it, he will provide us with opportunities. They may not always be easy or pleasant, but His little tender mercies get us where we need to go. We are provided with relief in one way or another, even though it is not always immediate or apparent unless we try our best to look for the good in things. Whatever we go through, it is because He loves us, and it is exactly what we need to end up as the best version of ourselves and in the best situation for that time in our lives. Always have faith in His timing, and remember the things you are promised. As long as you hold up your end of the bargain, He will ALWAYS hold up his. What an experience this has been, and I look forward to the opportunities and adventures I will have in the future! Thank you so much for reading, and feel free to ask questions if you have any!

Loves,
Kylie

Our Infertility Story

You guys! Can I just say wow, I am more than blown away and grateful for the concern, love, and support I have received from you all as I initially announced our infertility. I just want to say thank you, and that I appreciate your stories, prayers, and support during this trial. I have been through some serious ups and downs through our journey of infertility; I haven't always been happy and positive throughout the whole ride. I have shed a lot of tears over this trial, as a matter of fact I believe it has been two whole days since I have cried (not the best track record, I know). I will tell you all about our journey, keep in mind however, that it is OURS and not everyone who has fertility issues follows our exact case. My hope, as always, is that even though your journey may not fit our exact details, that maybe it will still be of some help in some way to others who are personally experiencing infertility or know someone who may be going through it. 

Andy and I had toyed with the idea of trying for a baby on and off maybe a year into our marriage, but we were never on the same page about when to try until June of 2012. I had been on birth control pills since we were married (what a bust, I don't even need them) and then we finally both decided and were on the same page about trying to have a baby in June. I had heard and read from a few different sources that it was normal for a woman getting off birth control to take a few months for her body to regulate itself again, so if you didn't get pregnant right away you weren't supposed to worry. I realize that there are some fertile murtles out there who can miss ONE pill and they are instantly pregnant (yay for you!) but this was not the case for me. Of course I began to worry two months into the whole trying process because that is just who I am, a worry wort, so I did some more research on ways to improve chances of pregnancy, and at what point in time was it necessary to see a doctor. I found that the vast knowledge of the interwebs consistently said to track your basal body temperature (BBT) to pinpoint the time of ovulation, and at the point of one year of TTC if you still had not become pregnant you should see a doctor. 

Well, one year hit (June 2013) and I sadly was still not pregnant, not even the false/very sad hope that a miscarriage brings. I was pretty distraught and disappointed at this point of our infertility journey, and so I made an appointment with a family practice physician who had some experience with infertility treatments. I was only able to see a regular doctor (not a specialist) because I was only able to see the doctors at the student health center of the university I was attending at the time. The doctor asked me a few questions about cycle length, the regularity of my cycle since I had been off birth control, how long we had been trying, and if I had been charting my BBT. He decided that the next step in the process, before putting me on fertility drugs, would be to have me track my BBT for a month to determine whether or not I was even ovulating. When a normal person is ovulating, you should see a temperature spike above your normal baseline, and the temperature should stay elevated until your cycle restarts at which time it drops, or stay elevated from the spike, if you are lucky enough to be pregnant, and it will stay elevated throughout gestation. When I returned the chart the following month at the beginning of my next cycle, it was determined that I was not even ovulating (problem #1). 

So this is now around August of 2013, and my doctor needed to test my blood progesterone level to confirm that I was not ovulating and determine if my hormone levels were able to support a pregnancy. I went and had my blood drawn, and when my doctor called with the results it was not good. The level of progesterone in my body was almost non existent, which meant I was not ovulating and that I could not support a pregnancy at that time. Armed with this knowledge, my doctor decided to put me on Clomid. This drug was supposed to help me ovulate and up my progesterone blood levels, which it did (yay to a small piece of this big ugly puzzle being put into place); some doctors are worried about using this drug because it increases the risk of multiple eggs being ovulated (translation: the increased risk of having multiples). I was excited that I was finally taking an active step toward making this pregnant thing happen, and it was a little exciting thinking that we could have more than one little miracle, even if it was an increased risk for me to carry more than one baby at a time! Once I began this drug, I had this renewed hope and determination that I would soon have a baby, and that this sad infertility nightmare would be over! However, to my dismay, the months passed by and with the start of each new cycle my heart broke a little more when I realized this baby we have so desperately wanted would not be a blessing we were going to receive right now. 

I would be lying if I said that this big ugly trial didn't completely break me and shake my faith to my very core. This trial of infertility has broken my heart almost more than I possibly imagined it ever could have. It hurts to see everyone getting pregnant, or already enjoying the blessing of a precious baby in their lives when I cannot do anything more to make it a reality for Andy and I. However, I am also incredibly happy for those who are enjoying the blessings I cannot right now. It is an odd feeling to be both very discouraged and disheartened while also feeling overjoyed for people around me. I am so very determined to not become one of those bitter people who cannot be happy for anyone else because they have something that I want, but cannot have no matter how much work I put into it. Through this, I have learned that we are all on our own pathways in which we are faced with trials and obstacles that may utterly destroy us until there is nothing left but the pieces of our raw aching hearts, but these trials are not meant to make us bitter and ugly. These trials are meant to refine us, and make us learn, and ultimately reach our full potential that the Lord intended for us when we were created so that we can have joy and reach our divine potential. This has been a very hard lesson, a very painful refiners fire that I have had to drag myself through (with the help of my amazing husband and my Father in Heaven) and I know that I still have a lot to learn. I read an interesting talk that you can read HERE that gave me a different perspective on my infertility. I knew that I should start viewing this difficult time in my life as a blessing hidden within a trail. I am still working on finding the good in all of this, but my changed outlook on this hardship has made it easier to bear, and I have been blessed with comfort from my Heavenly Father and patience because of it. 

Now, back to the rest of the story until present. During this time with me taking clomid, I had still been tracking my BBT and taking home ovulation tests every single morning on cycle days 8-27 to make sure I didn't miss our ovulation window. If you know anything about ovulation, the egg is only susceptible to fertilization from a sperm for 12-24 hours once it is released from the ovary. As I had been taking the fertility drugs, we were sure I was now ovulating, but still had not become pregnant, so my doctor decided that he needed to make sure my progesterone levels were high enough to support a pregnancy. I went and had my blood drawn a week after I had a positive home ovulation test, and sure enough my level of progesterone was great! I suppose that was good and bad news, good because that wasn't the reason I was not getting pregnant, but bad because that meant we still were not sure why this was not working. At this point, we were worried that the infertility issues were male related, so we had Andy's swimmers checked out (sorry I realize this may be TMI for some of you, but we all know how babies are made... so you'll just have to be okay with it.) and everything on his side was normal. The count was great, and they had developed as they should to be viable (they call that the morphology of the sperm, there is your FYI for the day). That was wonderful news to know that there was nothing on my husband's side of things that needed to be fixed!

After a few months of trying clomid and tracking my BBT and ovulation, when I still was not pregnant I saw my doctor in February of 2014. He determined that we were doing all the right things, but he had suspicion that maybe my immune system was killing off the sperm before it could get through my cervix. The cervix is like the guard dog of the uterus, the pH and cervical mucus must be just right in order to allow the sperm to pass though on their journey. Apparently my cervix is like Gandolf telling the fiery demon beast (or sperm in my case) that they "Shall not pass!!!". The doctor decided that intrauterine insemination (IUI) would be the next best step in the process because this particular procedure bypasses the cervix and puts the sperm directly into the uterus. I suppose it can be described like the sperm running a half marathon with no guard dogs chasing them instead of a full marathon with guard dogs. HERE is a great website that answers all of the questions you may have about IUI. The basics you need to know are that the sperm must be put through a special washing and preparation process because if it does not go through this process it can be dangerous to the woman if inserted directly into the uterus. Also, once the sperm preparation is done, you have the doctor insert the small catheter through the cervix directly into the uterus where the specially prepared sperm is deposited. Usually you will have an ultrasound when you get a positive home ovulation test to look at your follicle size. This test determines whether your ovaries are about to release a mature egg or not. If the follicle size is large enough, the doctor will have you proceed with the IUI procedure that day.

I went through the ultrasound/IUI process for the first time in March 2014, and I waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity to see if it had been successful. Unfortunately it was not, and my heart broke again as it had so many months in the past. I just could not understand why it hadn't worked, we had taken all the right steps and I had felt so hopeful because a lot of things had to fall into place between Andy and I as far as schedules and timing to even be able to try IUI during that cycle. I prayed that if we were supposed to go though with this whole process, that we would be able to make our schedules work together to try it, and we were blessed. However, I was left confused when my prayer to let us try this procedure was answered, but it did not end with the results we so desperately wanted. Faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing, right? Easier said than done, also a work in progress for me. Now we were down to having one last cycle to try IUI before Andy graduated and our health insurance ran out, so even though the ultrasound/IUI/drug regime process was expensive, we decided to go for broke and try it again one last time in the beginning of April 2014. I was switched to a different, more powerful ovulation stimulating medication, and I even had to give myself an HCG injection so that we could more precisely time the ovulation.  This time my regular doctor was out of town, which made me a little nervous, but he had another doctor perform the IUI procedure who had done it before. This procedure was a little more painful than the first go around, so I was apprehensive as to whether it would be successful or not. Disappointment again recently ensued as my cycle started and we were not blessed with a baby. 

This is where our journey is up until present time. As our insurance has run out, I have looked into seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist), but it is just so expensive that we will have to wait and save up. It has been difficult to have failed procedures already, and then realize that because we cannot afford the specialist, we will not be able to have a baby be a blessing of our immediate future. I am trying to keep the hope and faith alive as we wait for God to bless us with this miracle we want more than anything. In the mean time, I am learning a lot about infertility and myself, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been strengthened. As much as this is extremely difficult, I believe that it will be a big blessing in the end even if I can't understand the how or why right now. Until next time, thank you for reading, and I hope this helps someone out there.

Loves,

Kylie

Not so Fertile Murtle...

Well, I suppose the time has come where Andy and I let the cat out of the bag that we are infertile. Infertility is commonly defined as the failure of a couple to get pregnant after at least a year of TTC (trying to conceive). I have contemplated sharing this portion of our lives for some time now because of the sensitive nature of the subject for me. If you didn't know this about me, I am a highly sensitive type who feels things on a deeper level than some, so I tend to take things harder than most and I wear my heart on my sleeve ( It leads to a lot of embarrassing crying moments). Anyway, I came to the conclusion that just maybe if I share my journey of infertility that it may help me cope and grieve as I need to. My other hope is that by sharing this personal matter with the public, that I may help another woman or couple out there going through my same struggle and heartbreak.

Now, I will have a bit to say on the matter that I will likely break up into several smaller blog posts so that they are not so long to read. I will talk about our infertility story, and about the roller coaster of emotions that I have felt over the last two years that my husband and I have gone through during this whole process. I will do my best to write about the little bit of information I know concerning infertility and the treatments that go along with it, but I am just a beginner and am by no means an expert; as always I encourage research on your own from credible sources.

These past two years have been full of ups and downs, faith and prayers, discouragement and hopelessness, disappointment month after month, but I am doing my best to keep the faith and hope that this miracle will happen for us one day. Please, I am sure being a mother is more difficult than you ever thought it would be, but cherish those precious little spirits that have been entrusted into your care. There are many of us out there that would give anything we could just to have a child on the bad days, if only that meant they were ours. It is difficult to feel and know that you are missing someone from your life, and that you cannot fulfill the very calling of divine nature as a woman. I suppose I am not yet at the point in my infertility journey where I am not sad about my situation most of the time. I really am doing my best not to obsess, it just seems the more I want to be a mother, the more I notice new babies and pregnant women seriously EVERYWHERE! I am not mad at God for this trial because I know He has the big picture and I do not, but I need to remember to have faith in His timing. In the end, if a baby does become a blessing for us, I will value being a mother more than I ever would have if I didn't have to go through this struggle.

This is the beginning of my story. I realize everyone has their own journey and trials to deal with, and I do not intend for this to be a "poor me" pity party. As I mentioned before, if by sharing my story I can be of help to someone else out there, then I am more than happy about that. It is nice to feel free, and not be carrying this burden in silence anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read! I'll do my best to write as often as I can.

Loves,

Kylie