Andy and I had toyed with the idea of trying for a baby on and off maybe a year into our marriage, but we were never on the same page about when to try until June of 2012. I had been on birth control pills since we were married (what a bust, I don't even need them) and then we finally both decided and were on the same page about trying to have a baby in June. I had heard and read from a few different sources that it was normal for a woman getting off birth control to take a few months for her body to regulate itself again, so if you didn't get pregnant right away you weren't supposed to worry. I realize that there are some fertile murtles out there who can miss ONE pill and they are instantly pregnant (yay for you!) but this was not the case for me. Of course I began to worry two months into the whole trying process because that is just who I am, a worry wort, so I did some more research on ways to improve chances of pregnancy, and at what point in time was it necessary to see a doctor. I found that the vast knowledge of the interwebs consistently said to track your basal body temperature (BBT) to pinpoint the time of ovulation, and at the point of one year of TTC if you still had not become pregnant you should see a doctor.
Well, one year hit (June 2013) and I sadly was still not pregnant, not even the false/very sad hope that a miscarriage brings. I was pretty distraught and disappointed at this point of our infertility journey, and so I made an appointment with a family practice physician who had some experience with infertility treatments. I was only able to see a regular doctor (not a specialist) because I was only able to see the doctors at the student health center of the university I was attending at the time. The doctor asked me a few questions about cycle length, the regularity of my cycle since I had been off birth control, how long we had been trying, and if I had been charting my BBT. He decided that the next step in the process, before putting me on fertility drugs, would be to have me track my BBT for a month to determine whether or not I was even ovulating. When a normal person is ovulating, you should see a temperature spike above your normal baseline, and the temperature should stay elevated until your cycle restarts at which time it drops, or stay elevated from the spike, if you are lucky enough to be pregnant, and it will stay elevated throughout gestation. When I returned the chart the following month at the beginning of my next cycle, it was determined that I was not even ovulating (problem #1).
So this is now around August of 2013, and my doctor needed to test my blood progesterone level to confirm that I was not ovulating and determine if my hormone levels were able to support a pregnancy. I went and had my blood drawn, and when my doctor called with the results it was not good. The level of progesterone in my body was almost non existent, which meant I was not ovulating and that I could not support a pregnancy at that time. Armed with this knowledge, my doctor decided to put me on Clomid. This drug was supposed to help me ovulate and up my progesterone blood levels, which it did (yay to a small piece of this big ugly puzzle being put into place); some doctors are worried about using this drug because it increases the risk of multiple eggs being ovulated (translation: the increased risk of having multiples). I was excited that I was finally taking an active step toward making this pregnant thing happen, and it was a little exciting thinking that we could have more than one little miracle, even if it was an increased risk for me to carry more than one baby at a time! Once I began this drug, I had this renewed hope and determination that I would soon have a baby, and that this sad infertility nightmare would be over! However, to my dismay, the months passed by and with the start of each new cycle my heart broke a little more when I realized this baby we have so desperately wanted would not be a blessing we were going to receive right now.
I would be lying if I said that this big ugly trial didn't completely break me and shake my faith to my very core. This trial of infertility has broken my heart almost more than I possibly imagined it ever could have. It hurts to see everyone getting pregnant, or already enjoying the blessing of a precious baby in their lives when I cannot do anything more to make it a reality for Andy and I. However, I am also incredibly happy for those who are enjoying the blessings I cannot right now. It is an odd feeling to be both very discouraged and disheartened while also feeling overjoyed for people around me. I am so very determined to not become one of those bitter people who cannot be happy for anyone else because they have something that I want, but cannot have no matter how much work I put into it. Through this, I have learned that we are all on our own pathways in which we are faced with trials and obstacles that may utterly destroy us until there is nothing left but the pieces of our raw aching hearts, but these trials are not meant to make us bitter and ugly. These trials are meant to refine us, and make us learn, and ultimately reach our full potential that the Lord intended for us when we were created so that we can have joy and reach our divine potential. This has been a very hard lesson, a very painful refiners fire that I have had to drag myself through (with the help of my amazing husband and my Father in Heaven) and I know that I still have a lot to learn. I read an interesting talk that you can read HERE that gave me a different perspective on my infertility. I knew that I should start viewing this difficult time in my life as a blessing hidden within a trail. I am still working on finding the good in all of this, but my changed outlook on this hardship has made it easier to bear, and I have been blessed with comfort from my Heavenly Father and patience because of it.
Now, back to the rest of the story until present. During this time with me taking clomid, I had still been tracking my BBT and taking home ovulation tests every single morning on cycle days 8-27 to make sure I didn't miss our ovulation window. If you know anything about ovulation, the egg is only susceptible to fertilization from a sperm for 12-24 hours once it is released from the ovary. As I had been taking the fertility drugs, we were sure I was now ovulating, but still had not become pregnant, so my doctor decided that he needed to make sure my progesterone levels were high enough to support a pregnancy. I went and had my blood drawn a week after I had a positive home ovulation test, and sure enough my level of progesterone was great! I suppose that was good and bad news, good because that wasn't the reason I was not getting pregnant, but bad because that meant we still were not sure why this was not working. At this point, we were worried that the infertility issues were male related, so we had Andy's swimmers checked out (sorry I realize this may be TMI for some of you, but we all know how babies are made... so you'll just have to be okay with it.) and everything on his side was normal. The count was great, and they had developed as they should to be viable (they call that the morphology of the sperm, there is your FYI for the day). That was wonderful news to know that there was nothing on my husband's side of things that needed to be fixed!
After a few months of trying clomid and tracking my BBT and ovulation, when I still was not pregnant I saw my doctor in February of 2014. He determined that we were doing all the right things, but he had suspicion that maybe my immune system was killing off the sperm before it could get through my cervix. The cervix is like the guard dog of the uterus, the pH and cervical mucus must be just right in order to allow the sperm to pass though on their journey. Apparently my cervix is like Gandolf telling the fiery demon beast (or sperm in my case) that they "Shall not pass!!!". The doctor decided that intrauterine insemination (IUI) would be the next best step in the process because this particular procedure bypasses the cervix and puts the sperm directly into the uterus. I suppose it can be described like the sperm running a half marathon with no guard dogs chasing them instead of a full marathon with guard dogs. HERE is a great website that answers all of the questions you may have about IUI. The basics you need to know are that the sperm must be put through a special washing and preparation process because if it does not go through this process it can be dangerous to the woman if inserted directly into the uterus. Also, once the sperm preparation is done, you have the doctor insert the small catheter through the cervix directly into the uterus where the specially prepared sperm is deposited. Usually you will have an ultrasound when you get a positive home ovulation test to look at your follicle size. This test determines whether your ovaries are about to release a mature egg or not. If the follicle size is large enough, the doctor will have you proceed with the IUI procedure that day.
I went through the ultrasound/IUI process for the first time in March 2014, and I waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity to see if it had been successful. Unfortunately it was not, and my heart broke again as it had so many months in the past. I just could not understand why it hadn't worked, we had taken all the right steps and I had felt so hopeful because a lot of things had to fall into place between Andy and I as far as schedules and timing to even be able to try IUI during that cycle. I prayed that if we were supposed to go though with this whole process, that we would be able to make our schedules work together to try it, and we were blessed. However, I was left confused when my prayer to let us try this procedure was answered, but it did not end with the results we so desperately wanted. Faith in the Lord includes faith in His timing, right? Easier said than done, also a work in progress for me. Now we were down to having one last cycle to try IUI before Andy graduated and our health insurance ran out, so even though the ultrasound/IUI/drug regime process was expensive, we decided to go for broke and try it again one last time in the beginning of April 2014. I was switched to a different, more powerful ovulation stimulating medication, and I even had to give myself an HCG injection so that we could more precisely time the ovulation. This time my regular doctor was out of town, which made me a little nervous, but he had another doctor perform the IUI procedure who had done it before. This procedure was a little more painful than the first go around, so I was apprehensive as to whether it would be successful or not. Disappointment again recently ensued as my cycle started and we were not blessed with a baby.
This is where our journey is up until present time. As our insurance has run out, I have looked into seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility specialist), but it is just so expensive that we will have to wait and save up. It has been difficult to have failed procedures already, and then realize that because we cannot afford the specialist, we will not be able to have a baby be a blessing of our immediate future. I am trying to keep the hope and faith alive as we wait for God to bless us with this miracle we want more than anything. In the mean time, I am learning a lot about infertility and myself, and my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been strengthened. As much as this is extremely difficult, I believe that it will be a big blessing in the end even if I can't understand the how or why right now. Until next time, thank you for reading, and I hope this helps someone out there.
Loves,
Kylie
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